We can not speak of it

How has this war impacted me? I am a single mom. I divorced when my son was two months old. His dad never had anything to do with him. I am against war, I am, perhaps still a hippie. My son was in high school when the Gulf War started. We were living in North Providence. RI. His plans were RI College or Trinity Reportory Theater. He wanted to eventually go to Harvard for Theater. He had written, produced and directed two short films. He had great promise.
His films were good, very good. He & I were very close. My daughter, his older sister, had much contact with her dad and had developed a drug problem. He & I were allies in the struggle to save her w/o enabling her while we lived as normal a life as we could. I won't lie...it was hard.
Anyway, my son came home one day....it was gray day..or maybe that's just how I see it now.
He related that recruiters had been in the high school. He had spoken to them. He didn't want to upset me, but he had set up a tentative appointment for us to meet.
He was going to join the Air Force.
He would not be going into theater & film because of the low success rate (he had never worried about that before.)
He didn't want to stay in RI...he wanted to see the world and he had a better chance of seeing it via the Air Force than through film. He graduated in June, 1992
He left for boot camp in April, 1993. He programs computers on fighter jets.
While he was stationed at Luke Air Force Base in AZ, he was 'saved'. Maybe
you know that many Air Force people are 'saved'...they are radical religious
republicans.
My son is 'saved'
He believes totally in war....this war in Iraq, for sure. He believes that the only way to stop terrorism and protect the US is through war. He believes that this is what god wants.
He says that "My business is killing and business is good." I love him. We cannot discuss politics, religion, feminism...well the list is long.
We speak to each other, but he has made it clear that there are boundaries. Boundaries that I cannot cross w/o the threat of never hearing from him again.
He's married now. He married a beautiful, quiet Air Force member. She's also 'saved.'
She does not speak to me. It is common knowledge that I am bound for hell and damnation.
I make my living with two web sites;
www.coyotescorner.com
www.feminist-tshirts.com
We cannot speak of my business except in a very "third cousin twice removed" kind of way.
We cannot talk of politics, where once we spoke about politics for hours. We cannot speak of torture, rape, murder or any other atrocity that is committed in our name, with our tax dollars.
We cannot speak of the prisons, the victims, the lies. More than being 'saved', more than deserting his dreams, more than the 3, 000 miles that separate us...is this war.
This war that I stand against every day...while he is part of the machine that grinds the Iraqi people, the US soldiers, the US citizens down.
His business is killing.
Mine is peace.
I raise money for it.
I speak about it.
I rally for it.
I dream of it.
I yearn for peace with every fiber of my being.
Peace.
Everywhere.
This war on terrorism is doing the same thing to me that that the war on drugs did. (maintained my daughters drug problems rather than helped her recover.) This war in Iraq is doing the same thing to me that the war on poverty did. (the poor are punished.) This war has put a wall between my son & me, a wall I cannot break, try as I might. This war that may last a dozen years and therefore may yet take him. This war has drained the economy - I feel it in my business. This war had drained the programs - adult literacy programs, school lunches -
all being cut. We cannot discuss it.
We cannot discuss the war or any of its effects. For the first time since he could talk, he didn't wish me happy birthday. I know there are moms out there whose childrens voices are forever silenced. I know that I am fortunate, but he didn't call....for the first time. The war in Iraq is a wedge that drives us further apart.
We cannot speak of it.
Coyote